gretchen_marie: (Default)
2011-11-23 10:13 pm

Random: on

Having seen my Muse today, I was reminded that I used to write. I used to write every day. I used to think about writing even when I wasn't writing.

My life is at another one of those crossroads that seem to crop up periodically. On Halloween, I made the decision that I can no longer live with Jodie. Be in a relationship, maybe... but not live with her. She is going through a transition which, I am confident, she never would have even considered if I hadn't come along and showed her the option was there. It makes me a little sad that I won't be there to see the rest of the process; I know it's going to change her in ways that she's going to love, and in ways she is going to struggle with. I keep reminding myself that my not being there is a self-preservation tactic; she was grinding away at my (nonexistent) soul.

I realized last week sometime, talking to Joel, that my relationship with Michael did something to me. You see, I felt like I had been taking care of everyone and everything for so long... and Michael, he took care of me. It was wonderful. But he took care of me so thoroughly that he wouldn't even let me take care of myself, even when I tried. Whether it was carrying my bag into the house, changing the oil on my car, or paying a bill... he always took over, and did it for me.

I became, for lack of a better term, dependent. And when he broke up with me, this is a large part of why I was so shattered.

Another part, which I only realized the other night when I said to Tracy, "I feel safe with you,"... I felt safe with Michael. He took that away from me, and I haven't felt safe since.

Writing that made tears well up in my eyes.

Safety is such a nebulous concept... so abstract. For some, safety is financial. For others, it's physical. For me, it tends to be emotional.

It kills me that it's taken me over a year to really start to heal from my relationship with Michael. But at least I'm starting to heal.

My love life has been exploding... I've had dates with half a dozen new people. I have, however, felt totally unsatisfied. I realized the other night (when things really clicked with Tracy) that I'd been looking for a connection. I have a connection with several people who are important to me, an important part of my life. But with all of them, there is some wall, some barrier, that keeps it from being complete. Sometimes it's their wall; sometimes it's mine.

I am so tired, and I have what is likely strep throat. I was going to go volunteer with a homeless shelter tomorrow, but I'm not going to do that now. instead, I'll drink my diet coke and bourbon, and go to bed, and try to sleep the whole night without waking up...