gretchen_marie: (dandelion)
[personal profile] gretchen_marie
This morning, at 10am, I go to court for a hearing on dropping the no contact order against my partner Jodie. Jodie has now been in jail for just over two weeks, for domestic assault on me. When sie was first arrested, I was devastated...I hadn't wanted the police to arrest hir at all. I had had Tim call the police because sie had locked me out of the house... and everything in the house was mine.

But such are the laws on domestic violence in Iowa that the police now MUST arrest one party if there are visible injuries. My injuries, while laughably minor, were still visible. And Jodie has a record. So Jodie was arrested.

I think I cried for the better part of two days.

Everyone seems to think that the Incident itself, that being a victim, is what has been so traumatic. But that's not even remotely true. The trauma has come from the aftermath... from the not-knowing. Not knowing what will happen to Jodie, whether sie is getting the medical care sie needs, whether sie is able to sleep at night. Most everyone in my life thinks I am an idiot of some stripe to even worry about hir. I cannot turn off my caring.

The worst thing that I do not know? How sie has been processing this. Is sie sitting in a jail cell thinking about what sie did? Or is sie thinking about what *I* did to *hir*?

This matters, you see. This matters because how sie views this mess will determine whether or not I will remain in hir life.

I know that sounds horribly I'm giving hir all the power here. I don't see it that way at all. I see it as... if sie is willing to look at hir own actions and behavior, willing to see that sie was the instigator of this, AND willing to acknowledge that sie is an alcoholic (and work on hir addiction)... there is hope. Hope that sie can move forward, change, and grow.

But if sie is simply sitting in jail plotting revenge against me?

I'm done. I will walk away with nary a backward glance.

The only reason I am even giving hir this chance (which sie doesn't even know about, because of said no contact order) is because I have already seen the massive change that sie is capable of. Turning from a bitter, angry, constantly-drunk old man into a sweet, feminine, not-drunk Sugar who had learned sie DID have control over hir behavior? Was a massive change.

This sounds so simple... either I will remain in hir life or I will walk away. But really... it is horrendously complicated. The decision I make this morning will affect where I will live, how I will continue my job search, what clothes I have, whether I will have a functional computer for VRS...

My back and shoulders and stomach are so tense, in so much turmoil. I haven't been sleeping for two weeks; the only night I got a good night's sleep was when Christopher was here. I'm on the verge of tears right now... I've been fine, haven't been crying for at least a week. I started going to Al-Anon (not AA... the associated group for families and loved ones of alcoholics) the Tuesday after the Incident, and have witnessed the real power of the Serenity Prayer.

I need it now...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Date: 2011-09-23 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No, I don't think you are an idiot for worrying about hir. You will always love hir in some way. You know it's not safe to be together, but you won't stop loving hir.

Date: 2011-09-23 05:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I feel ya. You've got to protect yourself and if it turns out that you can't be safe with Jodie, definitely move on.

Date: 2011-09-24 07:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't see "the Incident" in isolation...I see it as the next step in a continual escalation of abuse. This time the injuries were, "laughably minor", what about the next time?

The greatest gift you give to others is your empathy and understanding. Goddess knows you have given me plenty of "empathy and understanding". At some point though, you have to look out for yourself.

That said...I'm OK with you telling Jodie I called 911 on my own if you think it will make a difference.
Edited Date: 2011-09-24 07:22 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-09-25 01:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Tim said this in a much nicer way than I've been able to formulate since originally reading this post.

I'm just...

I just...

WTH? *headdesk*

Date: 2011-09-24 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
::offers hgus::

You are by no means foolish for caring. That's what love is about.

Conversely, I applaud your willingness to walk away if you think you're in a position to be hurt more. It would be foolish to stay with someone who's got hurting you in mind. (Doesn't mean the act of walking itself won't hurt. Sometimes you have to choose between bad things.)

If there's anything I can do, let me know. I'm here for you.


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